Befriending my anger

Anger is the part of us that loves us most. It knows when we are being mistreated, disrespected, and mishandled. It turns up the heat to make us uncomfortable enough to speak our truth, create boundaries, and leave situations that are not serving our highest good.

I have felt so much anger and rage boiling up through my stomach and chest the past couple of days. Sleep deprivation only intensified this, but I am grateful nonetheless for the light. Her flames illuminated what was still hidden in the darkest parts of me, and now I can once again start the burning process for new growth.

My anger and I became one this past year. I’m so glad to finally have her on my team too. She is one helluva an adversary.  All her wild, powerful, intense, and fiery flames use to frighten me. Once I finally sat down with her and honored all the pain she carried this lifetime on my behalf, I became angry too. I stopped villainizing her and being fearful of her strong emotions and reactions. It wasn’t my anger I was ever truly scared of anyways. It was the abuse, mistreatment, and stonewalling I received whenever she stood up for me that led me to reject her. She had every right to be angry. For all that has happened, for me suppressing her, and for me minimizing her experiences and feelings.

 I felt the flames rising up my chest through my gut this morning reflecting back to all the mistreatment I have endured and perpetuated. I’m not angry with myself, not anymore, I did the best I could with what I had. I have more and I know better now.  So now, while embracing her I honor her anger and disgust.

I’ve lived my life, even up to this past week, overexplaining, over apologizing, being too honest and transparent to the point of self-deprecation.

I’ve chased, begged, and overwhelmed others with my desire to feel seen, heard, and chosen. Abandoning my own needs and worth whenever shown the slightest bit of kindness. Mere scraps. I’ve allowed other’s inability for self-discovery and vulnerability to convince me I was wrong, weird, and of less value because I do things differently.

I release to her lack of accountability, apologies never received, and feelings never validated. I now let her burn through this pain, cognitive dissonance, and feelings of unworthiness and lack.

I am not a victim, but I can acknowledge where I allowed a victim mentality to hold me back, living and reliving abuse, and swimming too long in oceans of unhealthy attachments and feelings. I now let her burn through all these traumas, connections, patterns, and mindsets.

I let myself slip back into these old patterns for a moment. I forgot who I was, who I am for a second. Thank you so much for the reminder. I remember now.