Wonderland?

Yesterday, I caught myself wondering if this is how Alice feels. Wonderland certainly is not what I expected.
Unlike Alice, I left a world of danger and colorful chaos and seemed to stumble down a rabbit hole which has led me to predictability, stagnancy, and solitude. It's safe here (truly safe this time), and peaceful.
I'm healthier and happier than ever before. Yet still unsatisfied. Wonderland has so much of what I prayed for. I almost feel guilty for not appreciating it's lackluster and mundane familiarity. I always liked Alice's story though. I remind myself there's still time for the plot to thicken.
It's no coincidence I dreamt of transformation last night. I was witness to a butterfly emerging from her chrysalis. With her last push she spread her kaleidoscope of colors making her grand entrance. Her iridescent wings sparkled as she navigated the endless skies free and wild. A soundless, delicate strength and beauty to behold. So many emotions eliciting from inside my own cocoon: awe, pride, jealousy, and admiration. My stomach sank as she caught a bit of turbulence and her wing tore. I watched helplessly as she swirled to the ground and the flames overtook her. For a moment I felt grief and fear for the future. Hers? Mine? I was unsure.
Just as quickly I saw a striking bird take shape from her ashes. A powerful Phoenix amidst the rubble. She shook out her magnificent wings. Her fiery iridescent colors similarly resembled that of her predecessor. I breathed a sigh of relief.
No sooner did she find her pace midflight, when once again the flames of transmutation and healing called her home. It was even quicker this time. Muscle memory I suppose. I woke from my sleep panicked. This unexpected awakening only allowed me to see a glimmer of what was forming in her wake. Not enough to be certain of her future.
I don't think I was supposed to see that time. Maybe it's meant to be a surprise. I'm learning to not fear the unknown. This is proving to be a habit that requires daily reinforcement. I've resigned myself to find comfort (as momentary as it may be) amidst the uncomfortablility.
This morning, I see myself mirrored in both fantastical realities. My dream and this new wonderland I'm navigating share commonalities. The biggest being my fear of the unknown.
I've unwittingly kept myself in a game of will I, won't. Like Alice I've felt trapped in a hallway with unfamiliar doors. Overcautiously, stepping through each new door. First one toe in, then a foot, and then all out bolting to the hallway when faced with new stimulus. In those moments the comforts and certainty of chaos enticing me back. Each time I retreat, I discover what once was no longer is. All that remains is the hallway where I came. Dismay and relief wash over me. I don't wish to go back; I nearly lost my life escaping the first time. I'm not meant to stay in this hallway either.
My options are to lie down, cry, and slowly die in this hallway too afraid to face the perceived dangers. Or take a deep breath, pull myself up, dust myself off, and once again brave a new doorway to the future.
I'm choosing the latter. I've been afraid of a lot in this lifetime. Never enough to let it stop me. Why in the hell would I start now? I'm choosing to walk through the doorway, into the unknown, head held high.
There will be inevitable periods of boredom while my nervous system continues to adjust to the extinction of constant cortisol bursts. There will even be times my trauma response will attempt to trick me into believing my blessings are setups to hurt me, or safe people are actually wolves in sheep’s clothing. I think it's best to give myself a running start this time. A leap of faith. Despite my trauma history fearing an anvil being dropped the moment I pass the threshold, or inevitably somewhere along my path, forward I shall go.

I remind myself, this new door I've unlocked is different. I'm different. I'm not headed towards the past. That storyline is complete. This is a whole new book. This story is more than a comeback, this is my hero's journey. My path is unclear only because my story is still being written. I'm taking the pen with me and consciously choosing to be a co-creator in this new wonderland I find myself in.