Rejection is Redirection

The fear of being rejected has held me back so profoundly throughout my life.  A couple months ago I wanted to curse the universe for its twisted sense of humor. The first person I allowed my guard down with, even just slightly, rejected me in a roundabout way. Not for my appearance, my lifestyle, nor my personality. What they could not handle was my authenticity, boundaries, self-respect, and strong communication skills. We were not even close to dating, merely two individuals getting to know each other over long distance. What this brief connection solidified for me, is that I will never again tolerate games, deceit, or manipulation of any kind. When it became evident of how differently we move in this world, their inability to handle how differently I move compared to woman they’re accustomed to, I closed off all access to me. Even just the limited bit they had received. My caught off game is not for the weak. In a way, I guess I rejected them too.

It may have seemed like in that moment; the universe was out to get me. It couldn’t have been further from the truth. That lesson, albeit painful, was for my highest good. It was meant to shape and strengthen me, not break me. I am a start student. I’ve paid attention in class, I’ve studied, I even reviewed the tests for areas of improvement in the future. I’m not about to learn that lesson again, once was enough.

I can accept it for what it was. I was still not seeing myself fully, my worth, I was still not honoring my needs, wants, or desires. I allowed my boundaries and self-respect to be nudged to accommodate other’s lack of communication, indecisiveness, and unhealed parts.

It wasn’t a mistake to let them in. Despite them not being ready for all that I bring to the table, and for all that I require to remain in my presence and access my beautiful pure essence.

There was a large part of me that wanted to do nothing more than wall up my heart stronger than ever before. But I didn’t. I won’t. I will not do that to myself.

Some of the worst growing pains I experienced over the past year was in breaking down the labyrinth of walls in and around my heart.

I realize the way I operate in this world is different than most. To many it probably feels intense and even a bit odd. I respect and honor myself so fiercely, that I will not hand out access passes to any part of me, to just anyone. This is the precise reason I have chosen to abstain from dating thus far. I am so grateful for the healing and self-love I have done for myself. I cannot imagine having shared any part of my body with someone up to this point. There has been no one deserving of something so sacred and precious.

I am no longer afraid of rejection. Even when my shadow parts still attempt to get the best of me, I will choose to honor myself and be open to healthy people and opportunities. I will just do it scared.

I know my worth, my value, I am a prize. I am thee prize.

If someone cannot see it, if they cannot recognize this in me, then please move along. Keep going, we are not meant for each other. I know that I am a complicated woman, that’s what makes me so valuable. It takes only but a minute to fall in love with me. If you think my expectations are too high, that I will expect you to hold yourself to the same standards I uphold for myself… your damn right. The only person worthy of me is a true divine masculine. Someone who will not be intimidated by the true alpha female I am. A man strong enough to lead me and hold space for me so I can finally put down my sword and step into my true divine feminine power. At the core, I really am all soft lover girl. I’ve just had to play dual roles of princess and knight my entire life. If this is too much for you. If I am too much. Then go find less. If you believe there is something or someone better out there, I wish you nothing but the best in your search. When you find them, make sure you let them know how special they are to you and hold on tight.

As for me, I am grateful for the opportunity to love on myself even harder. I’ve transmuted this pain and alchemized it into wisdom, resiliency, and love for myself and others. It’s helped shine my internal light even brighter.